So, what would you do? If you answered that you would not be okay with either behaviors and would say something, I want you to really dig deep and ask yourself if you would really do that… or would you actually stay silent.
It’s often easier to be an internet warrior and advocate for marginalized communities by typing and claiming you are an ally than actually acting like one. People enjoy talking about how against this or that they are, but when it comes to actually defending or supporting someone who is part of that community suddenly it’s too uncomfortable situation to be in. After all, it’s easier to label oneself as an ally than truly be one. It’s easier to think that other people will handle it than to actually be an active participant.
That’s the sad reality that POC and marginalized people face in this world. The burden almost always ends up being unshared and falling back on our shoulders completely. Sometimes, even your friends will not speak up for you when you need them to. Dealing with people who are ignorant or insensitive is already infuriating and frustrating as it is, but to see those who you are suppose to be able to trust and fall back on be bystanders and, in their silence, essentially be tolerant of insensitive remarks and offensive language is equally as disappointing.
For those who choose to call themselves allies and advocates, I wonder if you can explain to me or any other person affected by discrimination why you remain quiet when you with your privileges can influence the offender more than the victim can? For those of you that choose to remain quiet and claim that you are “uncomfortable,” what gives you the right to run away from the conversation or situation? Why is your discomfortable more important than the person who gets affected? What kind of mental gymnastics or form of denial are you utilizing to rationalize your behavior? You honestly don’t think I’m more uncomfortable than you are? Does the word “chink” refer to your ethnic background in a derogatory manner or mine?
When you chose to call yourself ally and claim that you are an ally, you have put upon yourself the obligation to not be tolerant of that kind of B.S. and to back up POC/marginalized people that live in a world that doesn’t see them as equals or refuse to acknowledge the opinions and concerns of POC/the marginalized. You can post as many Facebook articles and retweet quotes about fighting racism and inequality all you want. You can talk big in your safe spaces all you want. It’s not failing people when it matters the most that truly means something.
And what about those of you who are part of a POC or marginalized community? Do you think you get a pass in this situation? You absolutely do not. I am absolutely not sorry you dislike having to see a conversation about racial slurs and how that’s offensive and do not care about how uncomfortable that makes you as you also stay completely quiet. Do only issues that affect you personally matter? Ask yourself what kind of ally you would want for your community and then take a longer look at yourself. You might find that you have disappointed more than just the person who is the current target of insensitivity.
As someone who is of color and who just had to experience her friends not providing support when it was needed, I can tell you that I am not mad. I was and am just disappointed, yet not surprised by any of it. We do not live in a post-racial society and POC face subtle and not-so-subtle forms of racism and insensitivity practically on a daily basis. While awareness and activism has increased over the years, there is still quite a long way to go for people to figure out how to better treat people who are different from them and how to be of help towards oppressed, historically oppressed, and victims of all forms of discrimination.
“The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people.” - Martin Luther King Jr.
Your discomfort is not more important than my identity and my feelings of discomfort.
Your dislike of an “uncomfortable” situation does nothing to help POC/the marginalized unless you say something or do something.
Your silence is not harmless.
Your privilege allows you to be uncomfortable and ignore the problem, but I do not have the same kind of privilege.
Your inability to speak up places even more of a burden on the people you claim you are an ally to because you have, in your silence, chosen the side of the offender and the oppressor.
Your inaction is not excusable.
Your silence, your discomfort, you ignoring the issue means you are not in any way, shape, or form an ally.
This isn’t being dramatic. And I thoroughly disagree that you cannot fault people for not speaking up in defense of those who are marginalized by society. This is a notice and a call for “allies” to reflect on their role as advocates. Are you doing your part or are you just part of the problem?
If you can’t even handle a relatively “small” situation in which all you needed to do was take a few seconds to tell the offender that she is in the wrong and to listen for a second, then what right do you have to call yourself an advocate for social justice?
I am disappointed and it makes me sad to see what happened. I appreciate those who have taken the time to privately message me about what happened. I sincerely hope that this has been a learning experience for you guys. Remember that when a POC speaks out or gets even slightly more outspoken, they are labeled as "aggressive" and overly sensitive. But when you do it, suddenly the other side gets more receptive. This has been shown time and time again. So, say something. Do something.
Don’t let this happen a second time.
Best regards,
J